Hayduke George - Make'em Pay. Ultimate Revenge Techniques From The Master Trickster, Persuasion & Negotiation
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M A K E ' E M P
A Y
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Ultimate Revenge Techniques from the Master
Trickster
GEORGE HAYDUKE
Transcribed by ZoneTripper - 1996
-- CONTENTS --
Nelson Chunder Writes a Few Words About George Hayduke
Introduction
How To Use This Book
Added Words of Wisdom From the Author
Caution
Airlines
Animals
Answering Machines
Anti-Abortionists
Armed Forces
Associations
Attitude
Auto Dealers
Autos
Bad Checks
BB Machine Guns
Beds
Body Parts
Bombs
Books
Bucket Above the Door
Bumper Stickers
Campers
Candy
Charlatans
Chemicals
CIA
Communism
Computers
Condoms
Convenice Stores
Cookouts
Corrections
Customs Service
Dead Animals
Death Pool
Diplomas
Dog Waste
Dogs
Dolls
Dopers
Driveways
Electric Power
Electrical Appliances
Explosives
Feces
Financial Fun
Food
Footwear
Four Wheelers
Freaky Stuff
Furniture
Gasoline Stations
Graffiti
Grave Sites
Gross Out
Gun Dealers
Guns
Hair
Halloween
Health Notice
High School
Homes
Hood Ornaments
Hospitals
Insects
Joggers
Jukeboxes
Junk Mail
Ku Klux Klan
Landlords
Laundromats
Lights
Local Officials
Lunch-Bag Thieves
M.A.D.D
Mail
Microwaves
Molestation
Motion Pictures
Musical Cards
Musicians
Newspapers
No Parking Zones
One Liners
Paint
Parking
Parking Meters
Parties
Patriotism
Pet Owners
Philadelphia Parking Tickets
Pie in the Face
Pilots
Politicians
Porno
Posters
Pricks
Public Smokers
Quiz
Quotes
Radar
Radical Groups
Radio-Controlled Aircraft
Radio Stations
Recipes
Restaurants
Salad Bars
Salespeople
Signs
Solder
Sources
Sports
Stereos
Stink Bombs
Studs
Success Stories
Suitcases
Summer Camps
Supermarkets
Sweeties
Tar
Tattoos
Taxidermy
Teachers
Telephone Solicitors
Telephones
The Ten Commandments of Revenge
Theaters
Tires
Toilet Tissue
Toilets
Travel
TV Sets
Typewriters
Underarms
Unwashed
Utilities
Veneral Disease
Video
Wine
Women Beaters
Zippers
Zowie, The Last Word
-- NELSON CHUNDER WRITES A FEW WORDS ABOUT GEORGE
HAYDUKE --
My pal has been called the meanest man in the world and a
true hyena
in swine's clothing. Modest that he is, I know he cherishes
both compliments.
George always has been an affront to the pompous twits who rise
to positions
of power in our world. For instance, when George was born, the
first peek of
his personality shown to the world was his posterior.
I've known him since we were kids and I have fond memories
of his
mother's friends cowering in front of George's BB gun. I knew
he'd be a
contemporary author when his first literary masterpiece at the
Norris
Kindergarden was a four-letter word.
A few years later, George was returned from summer camp
with a
"Delivery Refused" tag on him. After he got out of school, the
Army grabbed
him and he quickly adopted two philosophies that have carried
him far in his
life. First, "in confusion there is profit." And second, he
totally accepted
General George S. Patton's belief that you don't win wars by
dying for your
country; you win wars by making the other poor bastard die for
his country.
To complete the usual occupational trivia, let me report
that George
Hayduke has earned his keep as a laborer, minister, aircraft
pilot,
photographer, store detective, newspaper reporter, gun dealer,
demolition
man, public relations consultant, and now, as a full-time
tosspot and
Official Curmudgeon of the Ambrose Bierce Institute.
One of the finest testimonials Hayduke ever received come
from the
Bishop of Estonia and Idaho, the Right Holy Curtis Bevaqua, who
said of
George in a church pronouncement, porcus ex grege diaboli "a
swine from the
devil's herd". Tears of joyful acceptance from deep within
George Washington
Hayduke, Jr., flowed after that ringing endorsement.
I'm proud to be the friend of the meanest man in the
world.
-- INTRODUCTION --
"Can you see the Invisible Man's feces?"
I posed the question to my fellow philosophers as we sat
around our
table at the Gamboa Country Club in the bucolic village of
Gamboa, Panama.
It was January 1985 and my companions were Primo, El Presidente
and Senor
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