He's Just Not That Into You The No-Excu - Greg Behrendt, ebook, ebook.1400, Temp 2
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//-->He’sJustNotThatIntoYouThis book is dedicated to all the lovely ladies out therewhose stories inspired us to write this book.May we never need to write another one.He’sJustNotThatIntoYouSIMON SPOTLIGHT ENTERTAINMENTAn imprint of Simon & Schuster1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020Text copyright © 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz TuccilloAll rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.SIMON SPOTLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT and related logo are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.First EditionLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataBehrendt, Greg.He’s just not that into you : the no-excuses truth to understanding guys / By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.—1st ed.p. cm.ISBN 1-4169-0578-21. Man-woman relationships. 2. Men—Psychology. 3. Men—Attitudes.4. Rejection (Psychology) 5. Communication—Sex differences.I. Tuccillo, Liz. II. Title.HQ801.B37 2004306.7—dc222004011658Visit us on the World Wide Web:AcknowledgmentsThere are a few people whom without their involvement this book would never have come to be. Firstand foremost, we must thank all the supremely talented inhabitants of the writers’ room ofSex and theCity.They are: Cindy Chupack, Jenny Bicks, Amy B. Harris, Julia Sweeney, Julie Rottenberg, ElisaZuritsky (who together wrote the amazing episode that first brought the “He’s just not that into you”message to the world), and of course, our brilliant leader, Michael Patrick King. Much love and deepestgratitude goes to all of them for their support, generosity, and superhuman funniness.We would like to thank all those who facilitated this crazy book idea right from the start. They are JohnMelfi, Sarah Condon, Richard Oren, and everyone else who pitched in to help at HBO. Super agent andfriend Greg Cavic at ICM got the whole ball rolling, and big thanks to Julie James for moving it all alongwhen necessary. Our deepest gratitude goes to our book agent, Andy Barzvi, who was the first person totake this book to heart, and then managed to sell the hell out of it. Many thanks to our editor, PatrickPrice, who has never been anything less than a gentleman and a scholar.Thank you to the men and women who filled out our questionnaires, told us stories, asked us questions,and kept us honest. We thank all our friends and families for their enthusiastic encouragement,He’sJustNotThatIntoYouparticularly Shirley Tuccillo and Kristen Behrendt.Last but not least, we must thank Amiira Ruotola Behrendt, whose collaboration, passion, humor, talent,love, and extraordinarily foxy great example, made this book rock.Note to the ReaderThe stories you will read in this book are illustrative examples, not based on specific events or people.No matter what anyone might think, they are not transparent attempts to publicly mock our friends,enemies, or exes.(However, we’re not going to say the thought didn’t cross our minds.)—Greg and LizTable of ContentsIntroduction by LizIntroduction by Greg.You Are All Dating the Same Guy1 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Asking You Out2 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You3 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You4 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Having Sex with You5 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Having Sex with Someone Else6 He’s Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants to See You When He’s Drunk7 He’s Just Not That Into You If He Doesn’t Want to Marry You8 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Breaking Up with You9 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Disappeared on You10 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Married (and Other Insane Variations of Being Unavailable)11 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak12 Don’t Listen to These Storie13 Now What Do You Do?14 Q&A with Greg15 Closing Remarks from Greg16 Closing Remarks from LizIntroduction by LizIt started out just like any other day. We were allworking in the writers’ room ofSex and the City,talking, pitching ideas, our personal love lives weaving in and out of the fictional lives we were creatingHe’sJustNotThatIntoYouin the room. And just like on any other day, one of the women on staff asked for feedback on a thebehavior of a man whom she liked. He was giving her mixed messages—she was confused. We werehappy to pitch in and pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions. And just like on any other day,after much analysis and debate, we concluded that she wasfabulous,he must be scared, he’s never met awoman as great as her, he is intimidated, and she should just give him time. But on this day, we had amale consultant in the room—someone who comes in a couple of times a week to give feedback on storylines and gives a great straight-male perspective: Greg Behrendt. On this day, Greg listened intently tothe story and our reactions, and then said to the woman in question, “Listen, it sounds like he’s just notthat into you.”We were shocked, appalled, amused, horrified, and above all, intrigued. We sensed immediately that thisman might be speaking the truth. A truth that we, in our combined hundred years of dating experience,had never considered, and definitely never considered saying out loud. “Okay, he might have a point,”we reluctantly agreed. “But Greg couldn’t possibly understandmyvery busy and complicated possiblefuture husband.” Soon we went around the room, Greg, the all-knowing Buddha, listening to story aftermixed-message story. We had excuses for all these men, from broken dialing fingers to difficultchildhoods. In the end, one by one, they were shot down by Greg’s powerful silver bullet. Greg made ussee, after an enormous amount of effort, that if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’sgoing to get in his way. And if he’s not sane, why would you want him? He could back it up too: He hadyears of playing the field, being the bad boy, being the good boy, and then finally falling in love andmarrying a really fantastic woman.A collective epiphany burst forth in the room, and for me in particular. All these years I’d beencomplaining about men and their mixed messages; now I saw they weren’t mixed messages at all. I wasthe one that was mixed up. Because the fact was, these men had simply not been that into me.Now, at first glance it seems that this should have been demoralizing to us, it should have sent us all intoa tailspin. Yet the opposite was true. Knowledge is power, and more importantly, knowledge saves ustime. I realized that from that day forward I would be spared hours and hours of waiting by the phone,hours and hours of obsessing with my girlfriends, hours and hours of just hoping his mixed messagesreally meant “I’m in love with you and want to be with you.” Greg reminded us that we were allbeautiful, smart, funny women, and we shouldn’t be wasting our time figuring out why a guy isn’t callingus. As Greg put it, we shouldn’t waste the pretty.It’s hard. We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in thiscase. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not theexception. It’s intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know it’s not an easy concept. Because this is whatwe do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildlydisappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excusemode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that weare so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanationHe’sJustNotThatIntoYoufor why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanationthat’s the truth: He’s just not that into me.That’s why we’ve included questions from women taken from real situations. They represent the basicexcuses we all use that keep us in situations far longer than we should be. So read, enjoy, and hopefullylearn from other women’s confusion. And above all, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to becompletely into you, or you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” please consider the glorious thoughtthat he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.Introduction by GregSo I’m sitting in the writers’ room atSex and the Citypondering my good fortune to be the onlystraight male on the predominantly female writing staff (actually I’m just eating a cookie), when thewriters begin talking about guys they’re seeing. This is a common occurrence, as it is part of the writingprocess for a show that explores romantic relationships. It is endlessly fascinating. I know that soundssarcastic, but I’m being for real.So on this particular day, one of the ladies pipes up with, “Greg, you’re a guy.” She is very observant,this one, for I am indeed a guy. Then she says, “So I’ve been seeing this guy…. Well, I think I have.” Iknow the answer. “See, we went to a movie and it was great. I mean he didn’t hold my hand, but that’scool. I don’t like to hold hands.” Still know the answer. “But afterward he kissed me in the parking lot.So I asked if he wanted to come over, but he had a really important meeting in the morning so he didn’tcome over.” C’mon. Are you kidding me? Know it!So I asked, “Have you heard from him?”“Well, that’s the thing. This was like a week ago”—nowyoushould know the answer—“and then todayhe e-mails me and is like, ‘Why haven’t I heard from you?’ ”I stared at her for a moment while the answer was bursting out of my eyeballs. (Oh, ladies, you make meso mad sometimes!) Here is this beautiful, talented, super-smart girl, who is a writer on an award-winning TV show, a show known for its incisive observations about men, who you would think couldhave her pick of just about any dude around. This superstar of a woman is confused about a situation thatto me is so clear. Actually, confused is the wrong word, because she’s too smart for that. She’s hopeful,not confused. But the situation is hopeless, so I broke the news to her: “He’s just not that into you.”And let me tell you, that’s the good news, because wasting time with the wrong person is just timewasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you’re not going to wish youhad gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can’t-Remember-to-Call.Look, I am not a doctor, neither real nor imagined. But I am an expert that should be listened to becauseof one very important thing: I’m a guy—a guy that has had his fair share of relationships and is willing tocome clean about his behavior in them. Because I’m a guy, I know how a guy thinks, feels, and acts, and
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